The 2007 Holiday Guide To iCr@p

Dec 14th, 2007 | By | Category: iPod Accessories, iPods & Portable Media Players, Strange

ipod hats make you look stupid

The holidays are upon us, and you know what that means; it’s time for the second annual Podcasting News Guide to iCrap.

There are a lot of great iPod accessories you can buy. You can get iPod cases, audio recorders, FM transmitters and all sorts of other useful iPod gear to help you make the most out of your new media lifestyle.

This guide doesn’t include any of that stuff.

The Podcasting News Guide to iCrap is a comprehensive guide to all the completely asinine iPod accessories you can buy. More importantly, it’s a comprehensive guide to the completely asinine iPod accessories that people can buy you.

Take our advice, share this guide with your loved ones, associates, Twitter pals, Facebook friends and Digg’ers. Let them know that, if it appears on this page, you don’t want it!

It may not help you get what you want for the holidays, but at least you won’t get any iCrap.

The Podcasting News Guide to iCrap

Last year, we warned you about the ten worst iPod-related Christmast presents ever, including:

  • $250 iPod jeans;
  • The iCarta iPod toilet paper dispenser;
  • iPod boxers, iPod panties and even an iPod bra; and
  • An iPod vibrator for two.

After last year’s load of iCrap, we were sure that we’d never see iPod accessories that were more idiotic. We were sure we’d never see iPod accessories that were more useless.

We were wrong.

Let’s start with this gem:

Rock My Teeth – The Next Generation In Tooth Whitening

Rock My Teeth with an iPod

Want a clean, healthy smile, but don’t want to hassle with mainstream tooth-whitening solutions that are proven to be safe and effective?

Rock my friggin teeth out

If so, then Professor Bocelli’s Rock My Teeth may be what you’ve been waiting for! It lets you “whiten your teeth with music!”

A custom cable, right, with ear phones and tray jack works with your iPod or other digital music player. The device lets you control how much sound goes to your teeth and how much goes to your ears.

You can even turn up the music to your teeth and turn down the music to your ears during treatments, to truly Rock Your Teeth. According to Bocelli, the louder the music to your teeth, the more whitening energy you provide!

Think the iCrap can’t get any worse than that?

Think again – we’re just getting started.

The iFrogz Tadpole Lets Kids Use Your iPod Like A Frisbee!

ifrogz ifrisbee
The iFrogz tadpole seems like a good idea, on the surface.

The $19.99 device engulfs your iPod in silicone, leaving open key areas like the click wheel, iPod screen, hold button, and headphone jack. Then it adds “comfort grip” handles for kid-friendly viewing.

Sounds good, until you think about all the cool things a three-year-old can do with your silicon-sheathed gadget, starting with winging it across the room like an Frisbee.

The tadpole promises to protect your iPod from everyday drops and bumps. When your child whacks the unprotected screen of your iPod against the edge of a table, though, don’t expect iFrogz to have your back.

iBeam Turns Your iPod Into A Class-IIIA Laser!

ibeam

The Griffin iBeams is pair of add-ons for your dock-connector iPod or iPod mini.

  • The iBeams flashlight is great for finding keys in the dark, according to Griffin.
  • The iBeams laser pointer is a friggin’ Class IIIA laser, ready to fry your eyeballs.

Griffin warns:

iBeams Laser Pointer is a Class IIIA Laser. Do not shine laser near eyes or onto reflective surfaces. Children must be supervised while using any laser pointer.

Don’t use near eyes!

iPod Socks. Like Socks. For Your iPod.

iPod socks

When we first saw iPod Socks, we had a realization……that not even Apple was immune to making iCrap.

Here are five reasons that iPod Socks are iCrap:

  • You don’t need to keep your iPod warm – it’s already a tiny little incinerator;
  • Socks & high tech just aren’t a natural match;
  • Apple’s designers apparently got the idea for this by stealing socks from babies;
  • iPod Socks fully enclose your iPod……making it impossible to see the screen or access any of the controls;
  • $30 for six socks? Can’t you just go to Baby Gap and buy a pair for $3?

iPod Hats That Make Even Hot Models Look iDiotic

ipod hats make supermodels look stupid

iXoundWear has an amazing collection of hats that make their hot models look like doofuses.

Take a good look at the iXoundWear model, above. She’s got beautiful eyes, flawless skin, a great smile…….and a @#$# iPod sticking out of her head!

And you know what that means: if iPod hats can make hot models look idiotic, there’s no hope of looking cool in one of these hats if you’re a normal dude:

ipod hats make you look stupid

“I’m speaking telepathically to my psychic friend,” says the dude. “She’s a hot model!”

iPop Your Baby

ipop my kid

iPopMyPhoto offers a custom service that lets you turn your priceless children photos into amazing iPod-ad style silhouettes.

That way, when your child is older, you can tell them that there used to be these things called iPods, and there were these cool advertisements for the iPods, and that you took your child’s photo and made it look like one of those cool advertisements!!!!

OMG that’s so awesome I think I better Tweet about it!

The i-Fish

The iCarta iPod Stereo Dock and Bath Tissue Holder gets my vote for the worst thing that you can buy on Amazon.

But the i-Fish is a contender:

ifish

“Can this fish groove? That depends on you!” according to the good copywriters at Amazon. Depending on the type of music you play, you can watch i-Fish swish, swim and light up!

No matter what type of music you play, though, the i-Fish is an overpriced piece of iCrap!

Hammacher Schlemmer’s Studio-Quality Triode-Tube iPod Speakers

ipod tube amp

We’re convinced that “Hammacher Schlemmer” is Yiddish sex slang.

We’re also convinced that you might get “Hammacher Schlemmered” if you buy these “Studio-Quality” Triode-Tube iPod Speakers.

The company leaves no doubt that their tube-based speaker system is for those of you with irrational audiophile fetishes.

They use five key audiophile buzzwords to describe this speaker system, including:

  1. superior analog technology
  2. luxurious warmth
  3. custom-built
  4. German design
  5. Class-A tubes

These phrases are like Pavlovian triggers for audiophiles. Any one of these alone – like “German design” or “superior analog technology” – can be enough to trigger an audiophilic reaction.Combine them, though, and add a little iPod sexiness, and you’ve got a nearly irresistable bon-bon of temptation for audiophiles.

Except that these iPod speakers cost $4,000.And they’re sold out.

Which means that even if you’ve got an irrational audiophile fetish, and you’ve got $4,000 to blow on an iPod accessory, you’re still pretty much Hammacher Schlemmered.

Doggie iPod Dock Tortures Your Pooch With Bad Sound

Turn Your Dog Into An iPod Boombox

For those of you that are bored by the standard iPod accessories, Wei-Lieh Lee and Kevin O’Callaghan have come up with a stupidtacular dog-jacket iPod dock which converts your pup into a mobile boombox.

Somebody call the SPCA!

Dogs can hear up to 60,000 Hz. People can only hear up to 20,000 Hz.

That means that your distorted, overcompressed music will sound three times as crappy to Fifi the walking boombox!

Teresa Chat Diva Singing Doll

Barbie's Friend Teresa loves iPods

Remember Teresa?

She may be tall and gorgeous and all, but she’s still pretty much Hammacher Schlemmered.

Why? Her best friend, Barbie, is not just a supermodel, but she’s a rock star and an astronaut.

What’s left to do?

The new Teresa Chat Diva doll talks on her cell phone, lip-syncs and bobs her head to the music when you plug her into your iPod or CD player.

Available at Wal-Mart, where you can “Shop by Gender”!

TuneBuckle Turns Your iPod Into A Belt Buckle

Tunebuckle

The TuneBuckle seems kind of cool at first glance. It’s a case that turns your iPod nano into a belt buckle.

Something you always wanted, right?

Maybe – until you realize that turning your iPod into a belt buckle means that:

  • your iPod will now be at the perfect height to bump into chairs, countertops, car doors and your significant other’s huge, stupid belt buckle;
  • people will be staring at crotch all day, and smirking;
  • you won’t be able to read your iPod’s display, unless you look in a mirror, tilt your head over, and can read backwards;
  • you’ll be fumbling with your waist all day, because your iPod’s controls are not only rotated 90 degrees, but they’re facing the wrong way; and
  • one for the guys….splashback.

Ewwww.

The LG iPod Washing Machine

iPod Washing Machine

Pity the poor designers at LG.

First they die and go to design hell, where they have to create washing machines with built-in iPod docks.

Then they have to document the damn thing so they can apply for a patent:

Ipod washing machine connects to the interweb

Then all their cool designer friends find out what they’ve been working on for the last year – a washing machine with an iPod dock!

The Corgi iCar

corgi icar

Corgi’s iCar is a 1:24 scale replica of an Cadillac Escalade that moves left to right and back and forth to the music when you connect your iPod to it.

Of course, at 1:24 scale, your iPod looks like it’s five and a half feet tall.

Colored lights illuminate the iCar’s wheel wells, rims, undercarriage, engine and trunk areas. Tinny speakers complete the fun!

Not Safe For Work iCrap!!!!

Now we’re heading into the NSFW section. If you’re easily offended….well, you picked the wrong #!#@ article to read.

iPod ThongThe iPod Thong

Do you need reasons why the iPod Thong is iCrap?

No, but here’s five, anyway:

  • It’s genuine sexy black leather thong….for your iPod!
  • Unlike other iPod cases, the iPod Thong leaves the edges and screen of your nano completely unprotected!
  • The iPod thong not only offers no protection for your nano, but it comes with a black microfiber bag to protect the case from dust and dirt.
  • “Wear it on your waist or your neck and strut your stuff!” Trust us – no one wants to see you strut your stuff with an iPod Thong around your neck.
  • You’ll be pegged as a perv!

The OhMiBod iPod Vibrator

“Say hello to my little friend,” the OhMiBod iPod Vibrator:

iPod vibrator

The OhMiBod features an audio-enabled microchip that allows it to vibrate to the beat and rhythm of your music while you listen. The motor provides strong, yet quiet, intense rhythmic vibrations.

Get out the Barry White, baby.

Before you get too excited about the OhMiBod, though, check out the tasteful product shots that the company provides. Here’s the OhMiBod in hot, uncensored action with a clock radio:

OhMiBod clock radio

If you’re interested in a little more “high-end” stimulation, check out this steamy jpeg of the OhMiBod with a Bose SoundDock:

OhMiBod with Bose SoundDock

What?

That doesn’t bring your sexy back?

Let us know what you think in the comments!

Update: Popular Mechanics has posted their take on top 10 worst gadgets of 2007.

85 Responses to “The 2007 Holiday Guide To iCr@p”

  1. [...] Podcasting News has a 2007 Holiday Guide To iCrap. [...]

  2. emagine says:

    That teeth whitening photo sort of ruined my life. Or at least my appetite.

  3. elena says:

    LMAO over the guy with the iPod hat.

  4. LindaL says:

    What about the popsicles that might have frozen ipods in them?

  5. s says:

    i am planning on robbing popsicles soon…

  6. [...] La migliore accessoristica in giro individuata e catalogata dai tipi di Podcasting News, di rimbalzo via TUAW ;) [...]

  7. Leo says:

    Hey #3, is it so hard to type “laughing my ass off”?

    I hate acronyms, and people who use them.

  8. bobbo the clown says:

    Audiophiles wouldn’t use an iPod to begin with. They would complain about compression schemes and how even with uncompressed audio, the output levels (even with a line out adapter) leave much to be desired.

  9. iNapoli says:

    We maccarona, scommetto che il tuo preferito √® l’OhMiBod!
    :-P

  10. gruf says:

    The cord on the vibrator is really short. You would have to have your crotch pretty close to the SoundDock to use it.

  11. Marshall says:

    Yeah, with such a short cord on the vibrator, you would really have to buy it with the belt buckle to have it in range.

  12. busterpkeaton says:

    Hey #7, can’t you use a nickname?
    I hate everybody named Leo.

  13. arse poetica says:

    Dear God, what kind of tragic person would buy a thong for their iPod? At least the OhMiBod made me laugh.
    (And apparently I’m the kind of tragic person who would dig the TuneBuckle. Comparatively, it’s not bad!)

  14. hank says:

    I admit, I bought one of those belts for the nano off amazon. It never showed up in the mail, and they refunded my money. Thank god.

  15. Mike says:

    You never heard of Hammacher Schlemmer?!!! Top notch stuff. Fantastic for people who really care about the quality of sound reproduction – and have the money to pay for it!

  16. Drood says:

    That vibrator is great. Use some mellow Aphex Twin or Orb to start off, then finish her off with some speed metal!

    (I kid, it’s stupid.)

  17. [...] var ratings = new sack(‘index.php’); var post_id = 0; function current_rating(id, rating) { post_id = id; for(i = 1; i Bookmarking links:       Related Topics: iCrap, iPod, iPond Related articles: The 2007 Holiday Guide To iCr@p, DJ From Your iPod, The iPod-Killers Are Hurting, Starbucks to Give Away 50 Million Songs….But They’re Picking The Songs, Portable Media Links For Sept 17 [...]

  18. [...] The 2007 Holiday Guide To iCr@p The holidays are upon us, and you know what that means; it’s time for the second annual Podcasting News Guide to iCrap. Published 15 December 2007 05:13 PM by mycall [...]

  19. [...] Podcasting news has put together a helpful guide to the most impossibly bad iPod accessories. These include the “Rock My Teeth” tooth whitening appliance shown here as well as the Griffin iBeam–perfect for frying your retinas, and the iFrogz Tadpole case that allows your toddlers to throw their iPods around like frisbees. [...]

  20. [...] Don’t say I didn’t warn you. PodCastingNews has published its annual list of iCrap, a list of the worst in iPod accessories. Heed the list well when choosing gifts for the holidays. Also keep in mind that some of the items are not for younger audiences. For some more questionable product griping, also take a look at Popular Mechanics list of the 10 worst gadgets of 2007. They’re both a real hoot. [...]

  21. [...] Podcasting news has put together a helpful guide to the most impossibly bad iPod accessories. These include the “Rock My Teeth” tooth whitening appliance shown here as well as the Griffin iBeam–perfect for frying your retinas, and the iFrogz Tadpole case that allows your toddlers to throw their iPods around like frisbees. [...]

  22. Weakly says:

    One word: stupidtacular

  23. [...] Anche il 2007 sta volgendo al termine ed ecco spuntare come d’abitudine le pi√π varie classifiche di fine anno. I ragazzi di PodCastingNews si sono divertiti a stilare la lista dei peggiori gadget per iPod del 2007, un vera e propria guida alle iSchifezze, come le chiamano loro, da mostrare assolutamente ad amici e parenti per fargli capire quale regalo non vorreste mai ricevere per Natale. [...]

  24. jdog says:

    amazing the ithong is definately on my list this year……….take the hint Santa LOL

  25. Jebus says:

    That washing machine would need to be silent for the idoc to be any use at all.

    #7 LMAO isn’t an acronym because it can’t be said as a word. ;-)

  26. info says:

    Mike

    You never heard of getting “Hammacher Schlemmered”?

    Buy one of those $4,000 iPod docks and you’ll know the true meaning of the name…..

  27. [...] The holiday guide to iCrap. Thanks for the tip, Wm.! Bookmark to: [...]

  28. [...] Great fun here. digg_url=’http://blogs.inquirer.net/macadoodle/2007/12/17/maclink-of-the-week-the-2007-holiday-guide-to-icrp/’; digg_skin = ”; digg_bgcolor = ‘#FFFFFF’; digg_title = ‘MacLink+of+the+Week%3A+The+2007+Holiday+Guide+to+iCr%40p’; digg_bodytext = ”; digg_topic = ”; Powered by Gregarious (21) [...]

  29. cherrycoke says:

    LOL OhMiBod iPod Vibrator

  30. Webomatica says:

    iPod teeth whitning? WTF?

  31. Mike R says:

    Regarding the Triode-Tube iPod Speakers, there is a bigger flaw in the marketing than those pointed out in the article. Regardless of how good the speakers may be the input signal is still coming from an iPod. There’s no point plugging a digital, compressed source into analog kit. You can’t polish a turd.

  32. [...] Todo esto y m√°s en “The 2007 Holiday Guide To iCr@p”. [...]

  33. [...] The 2007 Holiday Guide To iCr@p SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: “The 2007 Holiday Guide To iCr@p”, url: “http://www.tommasz.net/index.php/2007/12/17/the-2007-holiday-guide-to-icrp/” }); [...]

  34. the belt buckle is almost practical. :)

  35. Foxhill says:

    pfft you missed out the iBuzz that was out for a good 4 or 5 years before the ohmibod

  36. [...] Voor de iPod zijn inmiddels tienduizenden accessoires bedacht, die daadwerkelijk in de winkel verkrijgbaar zijn. Bij de iPhone blijft ons de grootste iCrap nog enigszins bespaard, al zal over een jaartje of twee ook daar de commercie er bovenop duiken om zinloze accessoires te verkopen. Podcasting News maakte net als vorig jaar een overzicht van de slechtste iPod-accessoires die de komende feestdagen te koop zijn. Sommige daarvan zijn ook prima te gebruiken met een iPhone. Dus zoek je nog een zinloos kadootje voor een vriend, broer of zus die alles al heeft? Denk dan eens aan de iPod-wasmachine van LG, een iPod-dock in de vorm van een pluche hondje of de altijd handige OhMiBod. [...]

  37. [...] Worst. iPod. Accessories. Ever Dec14 14 December 2007, nmancer @ 2:45 pm Podcasting news has put together a helpful guide to themost impossibly bad iPod accessories. These include the “Rock My Teeth” tooth whitening appliance shown here as well as the Griffin iBeam–perfect for frying your retinas, and the iFrogz Tadpole case that allows your toddlers to throw their iPods around like frisbees. [...]

  38. [...] (vissa länkar & bilder via podcastingnews.com) [...]

  39. [...] Podcasting news has put together a helpful guide to the most impossibly bad iPod accessories. These include the “Rock My Teeth” tooth whitening appliance shown here as well as the Griffin iBeam–perfect for frying your retinas, and the iFrogz Tadpole case that allows your toddlers to throw their iPods around like frisbees. [...]

  40. J says:

    I have an ohmibod. I love it.

  41. [...] I ragazzi di PodCastingNews hanno stilato una classifica eccezionale dei gadget per iPod protagonisti del 2007. Ma non i migliori, piuttosto quelli che loro stessi chiamano iCrap (consentitemi la traduzione libera: iMunnezza). Dunque niente custodie o skin, niente radio FM e niente oggetti utili o trandy. Per quanti avessero trovato ridicole le curiose casse da doccia: aspettate di leggere quanto segue. Queste si, che sono iSchifezze DOC. [...]

  42. The1AndOnly says:

    #11 u r my HERO!!!! I FRICKIN LOVE U AND UR COMMENT

    ***take that #3***

  43. The1AndOnly says:

    OOPS that meant take that #7, not u #3

    SRY

  44. soccertex says:

    i think the isock isnt that bad. i got one and its good for me cause im not always changing songs. but i can see why its stupid with the price. and #12 nice.

  45. Kayla says:

    That was one of the most entertaining things I have read and #7 im LMAO at your stupidity.

  46. TBT says:

    As co-owner of TheBasicTouch (~plug http://www.thebasictouch.com), it is my opinion that the OhMiBod vibrator is not CRAP but a tasteful product that makes sex fun. The fact that whoever wrote this list has decided to bash the company is even crazier. Instead of tasteful pictures you want XXX porn…what a perv? Great product, NOT ICRAP, popular item on our website. Come and see…

  47. Egad says:

    I actually have plans to buy the OhMiBod at some point soon :3

  48. Funnyist thing I have read in a week. Where is the iShoeShiner?
    iGps? iToothbrush? not far off by the looks of these “very inventive” items.

  49. [...] Speciaal voor de feestdagen heeft Podcasting News een overzicht gemaakt van iCrap-accessoires. Oftewel: leuke hebbedingetjes voor bij je iPhone of iPod waar je eigenlijk heel goed buiten kan. Neem deze lijst dan ook niet te serieus [...]

  50. Maggie says:

    An iPod viberator? What next?

  51. Maggie says:

    Almost as if they need to sell and are stooping as low as iPervert!

  52. [...] [Humor] The 2007 Holiday Guide to iCr@p: iPods are really cool. Many things designed for iPods are not. [...]

  53. [...] Podcasting News РRock My Teeth РThe Next Generation In Tooth Whitening Want a clean, healthy smile, but don’t want to hassle with mainstream tooth-whitening solutions that are proven to be safe and effective? If so, then Professor Bocelli’s Rock My Teeth may be At Home Teeth Whitening [...]

  54. iCrap Guide says:

    [...] This  iCrap Guide  is a comprehensive guide to all the unusual and abundant iPod accessories you can buy (or that someone can purchase for you!).  The guide includes socks, dog clothes and much more. [...]

  55. [...] Hace ya muuuuuucho que quiero comprarme un reproductor de mp3 y formatos similares. Aunque parece que el culto al iPod está muy extendido, hay algunas cosas que no me gustan del aparatito (véase iTunes, por ejemplo). Descartando la enorme variedad de accesorios que presenta el bicho, algunos de los cuales llegan a lo absurdo, no veo que el producto de Apple ofrezca unas ventajas técnicas claramente superiores a dispositivos de funcionalidad homóloga. [...]

  56. kyla says:

    i liov the iPooch that is some thing i would buy i also love the iSocks!!!!

  57. kyla says:

    i also like the iBelt!

  58. [...] iCrap? Posted in February 28th, 2008 by Dizzle in sheer kool-aid This site had some interesting information on some igifts for the 2007 Holiday season. Are you saying I am a bit late for this? Yeah, but only by four days. [...]

  59. [...] 5, 2008 This  iCrap Guide  is a comprehensive guide to all the unusual and abundant iPod accessories you can buy [...]

  60. Nice guy says:

    All of you are stupid…Retards…I bet i can Knock all of you down…As of now…All of you are my bitches….Haha….Seriously…

  61. McCowan 8th Grader says:

    All dat shit stupid what thell how u gon make a vibrator and and whats up with the rock my teth dat crap aint gon work and if it do aint nobody gon by none of dat crap

  62. [...] Some companies selling accessories see at least one sucker for every iPhone. This inevitably leads to some of the most pointless accessories since the iPod. [...]

  63. [...] Oh yea, speaking of iStuff, you *so* have to check out the The 2007 Holiday Guide To iCr@p [...]

  64. poop says:

    lol lol lol lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is SO F-ing awesome i cant even beleive that some of that stuff is real! OhMiBod what the heck is that???? i know its a vibrator but that is some gooooood sh** right there! ☺ and the doll? what kind of idiot gets their 7 year old an ipod? or… rather what kind of 25 year old man gets a barbie.
    love it love it love it!♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

  65. Trev says:

    The built thing wouldd be cool for the chicks…

    -I mean it would awesome to see a woman struggling to work the thing or take it out;

    but it would be more hilarious to see a a womans expression on her face after cathing a glance of a guy struggling with his belt directly behind her in line!

  66. Trev says:

    Comment previous, “The *belt thing would-”

  67. Trev says:

    “* catching-”, line 3…

    I should have proof read…..

  68. [...] Guide21 Dec   This  iCrap Guide  is a comprehensive guide to all the unusual and abundant iPod accessories you can buy [...]

  69. brittany,isaac, and vincent brown says:

    ha ha ha that is funny crap i wish i had the belt one so i could stop listioning to my teacher lol ……isaac says that shit is messed up !!!!!!!!! …….vincent says hey im the v vincent brown …

  70. wowa says:

    wow #68 you think you are so cool huh?

  71. usock says:

    i actually have the isocks and they’re not half bad. i use it on my itouch and it protects the screen when it is dropped. I haven’t broken the screen yet!

  72. Anthony says:

    Your cool huh #66? ummm not ? Im am gunna buy that ipod hat Its gangster LOL

  73. lollipop says:

    hola eso es genial

  74. Johnny says:

    THE IPod dildo is Awesome :)

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