The 2007 Holiday Guide To iCr@pDec 14th, 2007 | By James Lewin | Category: iPod Accessories, iPods & Portable Media Players, Strange
The holidays are upon us, and you know what that means; it’s time for the second annual Podcasting News Guide to iCrap.
There are a lot of great iPod accessories you can buy. You can get iPod cases, audio recorders, FM transmitters and all sorts of other useful iPod gear to help you make the most out of your new media lifestyle.
This guide doesn’t include any of that stuff.
The Podcasting News Guide to iCrap is a comprehensive guide to all the completely asinine iPod accessories you can buy. More importantly, it’s a comprehensive guide to the completely asinine iPod accessories that people can buy you.
Take our advice, share this guide with your loved ones, associates, Twitter pals, Facebook friends and Digg’ers. Let them know that, if it appears on this page, you don’t want it!
It may not help you get what you want for the holidays, but at least you won’t get any iCrap.
The Podcasting News Guide to iCrap
Last year, we warned you about the ten worst iPod-related Christmast presents ever, including:
- $250 iPod jeans;
- The iCarta iPod toilet paper dispenser;
- iPod boxers, iPod panties and even an iPod bra; and
- An iPod vibrator for two.
After last year’s load of iCrap, we were sure that we’d never see iPod accessories that were more idiotic. We were sure we’d never see iPod accessories that were more useless.
We were wrong.
Let’s start with this gem:
Rock My Teeth – The Next Generation In Tooth Whitening
Want a clean, healthy smile, but don’t want to hassle with mainstream tooth-whitening solutions that are proven to be safe and effective?
If so, then Professor Bocelli’s Rock My Teeth may be what you’ve been waiting for! It lets you “whiten your teeth with music!”
A custom cable, right, with ear phones and tray jack works with your iPod or other digital music player. The device lets you control how much sound goes to your teeth and how much goes to your ears.
You can even turn up the music to your teeth and turn down the music to your ears during treatments, to truly Rock Your Teeth. According to Bocelli, the louder the music to your teeth, the more whitening energy you provide!
Think the iCrap can’t get any worse than that?
Think again – we’re just getting started.
The iFrogz Tadpole Lets Kids Use Your iPod Like A Frisbee!
The iFrogz tadpole seems like a good idea, on the surface.
The $19.99 device engulfs your iPod in silicone, leaving open key areas like the click wheel, iPod screen, hold button, and headphone jack. Then it adds “comfort grip” handles for kid-friendly viewing.
Sounds good, until you think about all the cool things a three-year-old can do with your silicon-sheathed gadget, starting with winging it across the room like an Frisbee.
The tadpole promises to protect your iPod from everyday drops and bumps. When your child whacks the unprotected screen of your iPod against the edge of a table, though, don’t expect iFrogz to have your back.
iBeam Turns Your iPod Into A Class-IIIA Laser!
The Griffin iBeams is pair of add-ons for your dock-connector iPod or iPod mini.
- The iBeams flashlight is great for finding keys in the dark, according to Griffin.
- The iBeams laser pointer is a friggin’ Class IIIA laser, ready to fry your eyeballs.
iBeams Laser Pointer is a Class IIIA Laser. Do not shine laser near eyes or onto reflective surfaces. Children must be supervised while using any laser pointer.
Don’t use near eyes!
iPod Socks. Like Socks. For Your iPod.
When we first saw iPod Socks, we had a realization……that not even Apple was immune to making iCrap.
Here are five reasons that iPod Socks are iCrap:
- You don’t need to keep your iPod warm – it’s already a tiny little incinerator;
- Socks & high tech just aren’t a natural match;
- Apple’s designers apparently got the idea for this by stealing socks from babies;
- iPod Socks fully enclose your iPod……making it impossible to see the screen or access any of the controls;
- $30 for six socks? Can’t you just go to Baby Gap and buy a pair for $3?
iPod Hats That Make Even Hot Models Look iDiotic
iXoundWear has an amazing collection of hats that make their hot models look like doofuses.
Take a good look at the iXoundWear model, above. She’s got beautiful eyes, flawless skin, a great smile…….and a @#$# iPod sticking out of her head!
And you know what that means: if iPod hats can make hot models look idiotic, there’s no hope of looking cool in one of these hats if you’re a normal dude:
“I’m speaking telepathically to my psychic friend,” says the dude. “She’s a hot model!”
iPop Your Baby
iPopMyPhoto offers a custom service that lets you turn your priceless children photos into amazing iPod-ad style silhouettes.
That way, when your child is older, you can tell them that there used to be these things called iPods, and there were these cool advertisements for the iPods, and that you took your child’s photo and made it look like one of those cool advertisements!!!!
OMG that’s so awesome I think I better Tweet about it!
The iCarta iPod Stereo Dock and Bath Tissue Holder gets my vote for the worst thing that you can buy on Amazon.
But the i-Fish is a contender:
“Can this fish groove? That depends on you!” according to the good copywriters at Amazon. Depending on the type of music you play, you can watch i-Fish swish, swim and light up!
No matter what type of music you play, though, the i-Fish is an overpriced piece of iCrap!
Hammacher Schlemmer’s Studio-Quality Triode-Tube iPod Speakers
We’re convinced that “Hammacher Schlemmer” is Yiddish sex slang.
We’re also convinced that you might get “Hammacher Schlemmered” if you buy these “Studio-Quality” Triode-Tube iPod Speakers.
The company leaves no doubt that their tube-based speaker system is for those of you with irrational audiophile fetishes.
They use five key audiophile buzzwords to describe this speaker system, including:
- superior analog technology
- luxurious warmth
- German design
- Class-A tubes
These phrases are like Pavlovian triggers for audiophiles. Any one of these alone – like “German design” or “superior analog technology” – can be enough to trigger an audiophilic reaction.Combine them, though, and add a little iPod sexiness, and you’ve got a nearly irresistable bon-bon of temptation for audiophiles.
Except that these iPod speakers cost $4,000.And they’re sold out.
Which means that even if you’ve got an irrational audiophile fetish, and you’ve got $4,000 to blow on an iPod accessory, you’re still pretty much Hammacher Schlemmered.
Doggie iPod Dock Tortures Your Pooch With Bad Sound
For those of you that are bored by the standard iPod accessories, Wei-Lieh Lee and Kevin O’Callaghan have come up with a stupidtacular dog-jacket iPod dock which converts your pup into a mobile boombox.
Somebody call the SPCA!
Dogs can hear up to 60,000 Hz. People can only hear up to 20,000 Hz.
That means that your distorted, overcompressed music will sound three times as crappy to Fifi the walking boombox!
Teresa Chat Diva Singing Doll
She may be tall and gorgeous and all, but she’s still pretty much Hammacher Schlemmered.
Why? Her best friend, Barbie, is not just a supermodel, but she’s a rock star and an astronaut.
What’s left to do?
The new Teresa Chat Diva doll talks on her cell phone, lip-syncs and bobs her head to the music when you plug her into your iPod or CD player.
Available at Wal-Mart, where you can “Shop by Gender”!
TuneBuckle Turns Your iPod Into A Belt Buckle
The TuneBuckle seems kind of cool at first glance. It’s a case that turns your iPod nano into a belt buckle.
Something you always wanted, right?
Maybe – until you realize that turning your iPod into a belt buckle means that:
- your iPod will now be at the perfect height to bump into chairs, countertops, car doors and your significant other’s huge, stupid belt buckle;
- people will be staring at crotch all day, and smirking;
- you won’t be able to read your iPod’s display, unless you look in a mirror, tilt your head over, and can read backwards;
- you’ll be fumbling with your waist all day, because your iPod’s controls are not only rotated 90 degrees, but they’re facing the wrong way; and
- one for the guys….splashback.
The LG iPod Washing Machine
Pity the poor designers at LG.
First they die and go to design hell, where they have to create washing machines with built-in iPod docks.
Then they have to document the damn thing so they can apply for a patent:
Then all their cool designer friends find out what they’ve been working on for the last year – a washing machine with an iPod dock!
The Corgi iCar
Corgi’s iCar is a 1:24 scale replica of an Cadillac Escalade that moves left to right and back and forth to the music when you connect your iPod to it.
Of course, at 1:24 scale, your iPod looks like it’s five and a half feet tall.
Colored lights illuminate the iCar’s wheel wells, rims, undercarriage, engine and trunk areas. Tinny speakers complete the fun!
Not Safe For Work iCrap!!!!
Now we’re heading into the NSFW section. If you’re easily offended….well, you picked the wrong #!#@ article to read.
The iPod Thong
Do you need reasons why the iPod Thong is iCrap?
No, but here’s five, anyway:
- It’s genuine sexy black leather thong….for your iPod!
- Unlike other iPod cases, the iPod Thong leaves the edges and screen of your nano completely unprotected!
- The iPod thong not only offers no protection for your nano, but it comes with a black microfiber bag to protect the case from dust and dirt.
- “Wear it on your waist or your neck and strut your stuff!” Trust us – no one wants to see you strut your stuff with an iPod Thong around your neck.
- You’ll be pegged as a perv!
The OhMiBod iPod Vibrator
“Say hello to my little friend,” the OhMiBod iPod Vibrator:
The OhMiBod features an audio-enabled microchip that allows it to vibrate to the beat and rhythm of your music while you listen. The motor provides strong, yet quiet, intense rhythmic vibrations.
Get out the Barry White, baby.
Before you get too excited about the OhMiBod, though, check out the tasteful product shots that the company provides. Here’s the OhMiBod in hot, uncensored action with a clock radio:
If you’re interested in a little more “high-end” stimulation, check out this steamy jpeg of the OhMiBod with a Bose SoundDock:
That doesn’t bring your sexy back?
Let us know what you think in the comments!
Update: Popular Mechanics has posted their take on top 10 worst gadgets of 2007.